I feel like getting a tumbler account. I'm not quite sure what is it but I think it's like a picture blog? I went to a friend's tumbler page and it was pretty cool! She uploaded pictures that she liked and I think I got to know her style and just a little bit more about her simply from her pictures! I'm a visual person too so I like looking at pictures and there are already so many pictures that I would love to share and just let them do the talking, about me. Not that anyone reads this blog though, haha.

So I haven't blogged for a really long time only because the semester's been really hectic and tough. I'm in the midst of my exams now, two down... two more to go. :(

Ok the real reason why I'm blogging is because I have to get a load off my chest and blogging just allows me to do that. Today I had a molecular biology paper which I thought I studied real hard and sufficiently for. Turns out, I was not quite prepared. I've been counting the marks that I think I've lost since the paper ended in the afternoon and the count stands at thirty marks. I feel so devastated you know? Some of my friends felt it was real tough too, which is hope, because that means there'll be moderation of grades, BUT there were others who felt the paper was manageable as well. I don't hate them but I keep wondering to myself, if they felt it was ok, and if they could do those questions, why couldn't I? What made me any less capable than them during the exam? Was it my preparation? Was it exam anxiety? When everyone feels something is as tough as you felt it was, there's an assurance that you're not the only one who's having problems and going through them. But when everyone else seems ok with it, that's when it gets scary.

I realize I neglect my blogs when times are good but always crawl back to vent whatever frustration I'm feeling whenever I'm down in the dumps. Blogs are good in this aspect, that you won't be venting out your emotions on someone and hurt them. Although I have to admit, I think I've been venting out on a particular person for quite abit the past few weeks. Sorry b, my emotions always have a way of getting the better of me. I need to change in that area, I know. And I'm trying hard!

So moody now and I've got two more paper to study for! I've only got two days to cram everything in so I'm feeling really nervous. So then, why am I even wasting time blogging? Haha. Because, I always engaged in counter productive stuff when I'm stressed. Could this be the reason why I was unprepared for today's paper? That I was distracted whilst studying? Come to think of it... I believe I was very distracted. I always give myself the excuse that I need to rest and not burn out when really, all I'm doing is procrastinating.

I need to get my motivation on, I need to be disciplined and persevere! But it's so very hard when all you want to do is give up. The pressure is just crazy and weighing me down. I've got my gpa to pull up, so that I can go on an exchange program. I've got my gpa to pull up, so that I would still obtain an allowance from the govt for the next two years. I've got my gpa to pull up, so that I can attain a better class of honours. So many things running through my mind, the burden is just so hard to bear sometimes.

I guess times like these really bring me kneeling at the foot of the cross. God, I've always said I submit all to you. I think you're really teaching me how to let go of the things that I hold dearest to my heart by putting me through such hopeless situations. So that all my hope is pinned on you. Then you show your Glory, then you show your might, and my faith level increases because I know I serve an awesome, most faithful and loving God. I am willing Lord, that you teach me, no matter how painful God. Because you've brought me through real painful situations before and you have shown me that you never leave me nor forsake me. So if this is another one of those situations where you're sandpapering all the rough edges of me, I allow you to do so God. I give all my rights, all my will, all my choices and decisions to you because you are the King of all Kings and the Lord of all Lords. There is no one whom I would surrender my life to, except you. You have shown your goodness to me and I am already eternally grateful. Sorry God, if I ever once blamed you. Who am I to say anything when you hold the world in the palm of your hands and every circumstance has been orchestrated by you because you know the big picture? Who am I to question your sovereignty? I am so humbled right now dear Lord, mould me when I am this vulnerable.

On the bright side, there are so many things to thank God for. One miracle that occurred today is receiving the reply from my prof that she would be lenient and not mark me down for a late submission of my research paper. There was really no valid excuse for that. I was so distressed the whole weekend because I did not receive a reply for the email I sent her and seriously thought she was going to mark me down for that... But today, she replied a favourable reply stating "ok, no problem" to my request that she overlook my late submission. I prayed so hard God, and you have just worked your wonders again. I praise and bless you!

Alright then, I'm feeling so much better and geared up to work hard again. I'm not going to let my past mistakes/failures dictate how the rest of the papers are going to be. I'll work doubly hard so that I can say the next two papers were a breeze and I'd be able to at least enjoy my vacation with a peace of mind. God, I believe you're going to work wonders again and I can't wait to see them.

Cheers!